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Everyone has heard that relationships require work. That is accurate. It takes consistent work and emotional commitment to maintain a happy relationship.
It is also true, though, that you have to start from a strong base if you want the job to pay off. Things might become unstable very fast if you don’t have one. It could also appear to be doing well before abruptly collapsing.
So what constitutes a strong base? Experts concur that how you treat and communicate with each other is crucial.
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Here, experts explain seven characteristics of a healthy relationship and why they can help you determine if you and your spouse will stick together.
1. YOU RESPECT EACH OTHER’S BOUNDARY
“Distance is simply two individuals acknowledging one another’s limitations, principles, history, personal area, and privacy,” states Irish psychologist Darren Magee, who addresses mental health topics on his YouTube channel. “And both ways have to be involved.”
In a healthy relationship, couples are at ease establishing limits and have faith that their spouse will honour them.
The determination of whether a limit is acceptable or not belongs to you, not your spouse, according to counselling psychologist Lauren Moss of Sandton, Johannesburg. Respecting your partner as an independent adult entails accepting their right to set their own boundaries.
She informs YOU that “in a healthy relationship, this is shown by honouring the boundary, even if it doesn’t make sense.”
Respecting your partner’s thoughts and values is crucial. Relationship guru Paula Quinsee, who is located in Johannesburg, advises against attempting to control, persuade, or force your partner to change their mind.
2. YOU AGREE TO DISAGREE SOMETIMES
It’s normal to disagree with your partner; in fact, it would be strange if you always agreed on everything. However, it’s not always necessary to resolve conflict or disagreement—how you manage it is what counts.
You can’t expect to constantly agree on everything with your partner because you two are distinct people with different backgrounds and viewpoints, according to Quinsee. “It will go a long way to embrace your differences and see them as ways to complement each other rather than clash,” she continues.
Maybe one of you excels at planning and organising, while the other excels at being impulsive. By learning to play to each other’s strengths in various contexts, you can both gain from this.
The important things, including what you want out of the relationship and how you will discipline your children, must be agreed upon. But you have to be able to understand that other people do things differently than you, even when it comes to things like how the dishwasher is packed.
According to Magee, disagreements should be able to be had without being physical. “Because it is impossible to always be in agreement. However, you must give the other person your full attention and affirm them.
He clarifies that validating someone is about expressing that “I care enough to hear you,” not that you agree with them or even understand why they feel the way they do.
3. YOU DON’T LOSE YOUR IDENTITY
You become a partnership as your relationship develops, but it’s crucial that you maintain your individuality. It is important that you have the freedom to be who you are, to take independent actions without your spouse (as long as you stay within set boundaries), and to express your opinions even when they don’t align with your partner’s.
According to Moss, a healthy relationship strikes a balance between each partner’s sense of self and their sense of unity.
Quinsee continues, “A healthy relationship entails two people maintaining their individuality while also coming together to co-create the us/we/ours.”
4. YOU ENCOURAGE EACH OTHER
Being supportive of one another is a sign of a healthy partnership.
Moss clarifies, “This doesn’t mean encouraging your partner blindly even when you can see they’re making a poor decision.”” Another aspect of supporting someone is pointing out their mistakes. However, it is carried out with good intentions.
In a happy relationship, partners can voice anxieties or concerns about potential problems or things that are bothering them because they know they will have a listening ear.
For instance, instead of asking questions to help your spouse make sense of the situation, a critical partner who is constantly seeking fault would tell them, “You’re probably just imagining things,” if they tell you they feel like they’re being victimized at work.
“Emotional safety and connection are built in a relationship when you know that your partner has your back and that you can rely on them,” Quinsee explains.
5. YOU MANAGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS
A lot of people have an idealized vision of what they want from a mate, but the two are rarely compatible. According to Magee, it’s critical to have reasonable expectations for both the other person and oneself.
According to Quinsee, few couples take the time to discuss and define their expectations of one another and their relationship. This can lead to a great deal of hurt in a relationship.
She continues, “People in healthy relationships don’t just assume they know what their partner needs.” As their connection develops, they talk and check in frequently.
According to Cape Town-based clinical psychologist Jana Lazarus, it’s also about accepting accountability for meeting your own needs. “We can’t just sit here and wish that our partner could read our minds.”
“The secret is communication,” says Moss. When you and your spouse are clear about your expectations, there’s a greater likelihood that your goals will be met.
6. YOU TRUST EACH OTHER
It goes beyond simply having faith in your spouse to not be disloyal. It indicates that you don’t doubt your partner’s intentions and that you are sure they won’t take any deliberate actions to harm you or the relationship.
It also implies that you never have a sense of being put to the test to demonstrate your allegiance.
7. YOU PRIORITISE EACH OTHER’S NEEDS
You both work hard to make sure the other person’s wants are addressed, and your relationship feels balanced as a result. You both feel that your desires and interests are equally essential to each other, and you don’t allow one person’s demands or opinions to rule the other.
In essence, this is about equalising your partnership; while occasionally one partner may provide more than the other—in terms of time, energy, finances, or emotional support, for example—this is a natural rhythm, and the results always seem fair.
According to Parkhurst, Johannesburg-based couples therapist Michael Kallenbach, people have various requirements at different times.
“It’s acceptable that some people are more in need than others,” he adds to YOU. It’s crucial that there be honest dialogue about it.
